A Few Gentle Admonitions (The Cell Phone Song)

Instrumentation/Voicing: 
SATB a cappella or with piano accomp.

A concert opener that, with cordial Gilbert-and-Sullivanian musicality, exhorts the audience to turn their cell phones off. The lyrics are written by Twin Cities wordsmith Drew Jansen, creator of the musical "How To Talk Minnesotan." Consider the following:

If you possess a pager or perhaps a tiny phone,
The noise from which could pulverize the largest kidney stone,
We ask you now to render this device completely silent,
For if it should interrupt us, there's a chance we could get vi'lent.

Perusal Score: 
Order Sheet Music
Catalog Number: 
FAM-0013-01A (a cappella)
Catalog Number: 
FAM-0013-01B (w/piano)
Duration: 
3:15
Commissioned By: 
MACxima
Premiere
Premiere Ensemble: 
MACxima
Premiere Conductor: 
Keith Brown
Text
Text Author or Source: 
Drew Jansen
Language: 
English
Text: 

Greetings! Salutations! Good to have you here! Hello!
We're tickled and delighted you could join us for our show.
We've mastered every measure, we've polished every part;
There's magic in the air¦ we can barely wait to start!
But wait! Before we're fully underway,
We've just a few reminders, s'il vous plait.

If you possess a pager or perhaps a tiny phone
The sound from which could pulverize the largest kidney stone,
We ask you now to render this device completely silent;
For if it should interrupt us, there's a chance we may get vi'lent. 

And if you're fond of candy that is clad in cellophane,
Unwrap it now or else you'll be the object of disdain.
Though you may feel you're making just a tiny little crinkle,
We assure you it's a noise that could awaken Rip Van Winkle.

And should we croon
A favorite tune
That starts you reminiscin'
Please know it's wrong
To sing along,
So just sit there and listen!

If little ones are in your entourage, we shout "hooray!"
For now they have a chance to put their manners on display.
We really do love children, but prefer they not run riot.
Just remember, mom and dad, your kids are cuter when they're quiet.

And if a cold
Has taken hold,
Don't stick around and spread it;
Just take a hike
And hit the pike,
'Cause we don't wanna get it!

We hope we don't offend you with these things that we request;
It's simply that we're eager to perform our very best.
We know we can depend on you for full cooperation;
Kindly wait until we're through, then you can give us an ovation!

(Just don't forget to turn your phone off.)

Thank you.